Ch. 231..235: The Werewolf's Vampire Mate Chapter 231-235

Chapter 231: Get on the same page

Beau.

Rex is always a know it all. Most times he acts like he knows everything, so it good to see him confused every once in a while. Right now, he has no clue on what to do and maybe I am basking in it a lot but I like teasing him.

He came to me with no idea on how to fix his love life. It is weird that he has a love life. I actually thought I would have to protect him for the rest of our lives but I guess the deities help even the most anti-social ones find their significant others. Rex is completely lost and I guess he has a lot to deal with. It is not easy to be with one person and he has to juggle two.

We walk into Alby’s house and I catch him watching me, almost like he wanted me to come to. This is not my problem but it seems like he has some things to say to me.

"Why are you here?’’ he asks Rex with a frown.

I watch the scene play out because I don’t want to interfere. I know he will have to appease to the gods but I don’t know how he will do it. I don’t know what he will need to do but I just hope it is not something too difficult.

Rex is fragile. He is the most sensitive person I know. He can’t handle a lot of things. I hope he will be able to handle this.

"I came to talk about my mates." he breathes out the words nervously. I watch the scene because I want to give him the floor. Let him handle this on his own.

"Right now, the deities are not pleased. Deep down, you know what you need to do to make this right. I am not the one that will tell you what to do.’’

I don’t know why Alby can never just be straightforward. He always just goes around his answer. For once, I wish he will just tell us like it is.

"What do you mean? I need you to tell him what he needs to do.’’ I speak for him because I know Rex isn’t going to. He stills needs me and I don’t mind helping him every once in a while.

"They haven’t even accepted each other. They are taking this as a joke, they have to look inside them and all the answers will come to them.’’

Fucking hell Alby.

This is what I am talking about. In his mind, he thinks he has explained things to us but he just made me a lot more confused.

I know there is a ceremony before they can complete the mating ritual but I don’t know what we need to do. Is there anything special?

"Get your people together. You need to agree to want to be together. Nothing can happen until you are all on the same page. Don’t come back here until you have figured out what you want. The deities help you but at the end of it all, it is up to you.’’

Alby is being very mean right now and maybe it is because they broke the rules. I mean, I didn’t expect this to happen to Rex—he is always careful about everything. I guess the whole thing was out of his control.

He wasn’t there when it happened so he couldn’t have stopped it. Deep down, I know this happened for a reason and I don’t like the fact that Alby is making it seem like it is his fault.

"Are they going to alright?’’ I have to ask because I want his mating process to go as smoothly as possible.

"Yes, they will. They just need to figure out what they want from each other. They can’t keep holding on to the doubts that are swarming in."

I understand what he is saying but these things aren’t as easy as he is making it out to be. Gyles will never just accept this easily. That guy just lost the love of his life—or at least the person he thought was the love of his life. I didn’t ask him to join the pack so that he could move on from everything. I just wanted him to find a place where he would belong but somehow, the deities had a bigger plan. They knew what was going to happen before it even happened and now he has to juggle two guys and accept them both.

I want to see how this will turn out.

Alby stops me from leaving and I watch Rex as he leaves the house. I knew that he has something to say to me. I just don’t know what it could be.

"Have a seat,’’ he tells me as we walk into his living room and I take a seat on the couch opposite his chair.

"Have you noticed anything with Lanis?’’ he asks me with a smile.

My eyes shift to the ring on my finger. The night I proposed to him, everything became clearer. There is this added bond that I can’t explain. Things have been perfect between us.

"Not really,’’ I shift my attention back to him.

It is shocking that his mood has completely changed now that Rex is gone. I guess it is a bigger deal than I thought. I just want them to figure it out before their bond is completely severed. "Is there something wrong?’’ I can’t help but ask.

He shakes his head "Nothing that you should be worried about. I think you are not really listening to him. Like there are things that don’t have to be verbal. I want you to go back to him and really listen to him. Something amazing is happening and quite frankly, I am surprised that you haven’t noticed."

I furrow my brows at his words because he is doing that thing again. Telling me something but not really telling me.

I wish I could just scream at him. Tell him to get to the fucking point. My mind is already wavering. Thinking about things that could be happening with him right now.

I don’t know where he is leaving towards but as long as it is not a problem. I am fucking excited. "You know, nothing will happen if you just tell me directly,’’ I smile at him lightly.

He laughs. I know that he does this intentionally "How will you accept it if it comes from me. Won’t you prefer to figure it out on your own?’’

I would rather he just tell me and I know than running around trying to figure shit out but there is no way I am going to get this from him.

"Alright. I will let you know.’’

He smiles "This is a miracle that you should be proud of. Congratulations.’’ He announces even though I don’t know what he is talking about. My mind lingers on the one thing that I have been wishing for, without even explaining any further. I know what he is talking about and Holy shit, I am already excited. I leave Alby in search of Lanis. He is the room. The last time I saw him, he went to the gym. Once I enter, he looks up with a smile on his face.

My eyes move to his stomach. Alby said I would feel it first. I don’t know what he meant but I don’t feel anything.

"How was the gym?’’ I ask him.

He shrugs, I walk closer to him. There is sweat all over him. The kind that makes him looks even sexier. I didn’t even know Vampires could sweat. "You are sweating a lot,’’ I mutter as I pull him into my arms.

"I was wondering too. My body feels different. I barely even understand it anymore."

My heart thuds in my chest because I am thinking about only one thing and suddenly it seems like a possibility. My hand slides to his stomach and I rest it on him. He raises a brow in confusion "What are you doing?’’ he asks me.

I smile "I am touching you. Is there anything wrong with that?’’ I ask.

He sighs "You are so weird. I have to take a shower,’’ he tries to budge off me but I just pull him closer to me. "Wait, I am not done,’’ I tell him as I lean into him and start to sniff his neck.

"I stink,’’ he interjects.

I laugh "You smell damn good to me." I continue my sniffing with my hand still on him. He stands there awkwardly. I am sure he is confused. Sometimes, I feel like he doesn’t want this as much as I do but I don’t want to believe that because we both had those dreams. He can possibly not want this.

Right?

 

Chapter 232: Swapping secrets

Alanis.

He is acting weird.

Touching me all over my stomach. Sniffing me, I don’t know what he is looking for—okay, maybe I am lying right now. He is trying to see if I am pregnant.

I am freaking the fuck out because I don’t think I want this. Why does it have to be me? I know our relationship is nothing close to ordinary but why do we have to have kids this way?

Okay, this is me panicking and I don’t have anyone to talk to about this because I don’t want him to know that I am not okay with this. I don’t even understand my body anymore. I have been eating a lot. Like real food lately. Yeah, I have been doing it in secret. I don’t want him to see and then get overly excited.

Beau is so excited about this and I am not on the same page with him. I am not excited because I am the one that has to suffer. I am the weird male that has to be pregnant. When our mating ritual ended. There were some things that Jules noticed. He said I was human, maybe that would explain the hunger for food but I also get tired a lot and then my thirst for blood has diminished completely. I don’t know what it means and I know I need to talk to someone about it but I am fucking embarrassed about it.

I hate it so much.

Right now, it is midnight and I am in the kitchen—eating like I haven’t in days. I need to talk to someone. I can’t keep it to myself.

Usually, at night, no one is awake in this house, so this is the only time that I can binge all my cravings at once. I grab the bucket of chicken and sit down behind the counter on the floor. I find it weird that there is always food in the house when they don’t usually eat it. I hear the door open and I freeze because I don’t want to be caught right now.

My eyes stay on the door as the footsteps get closer. I get up immediately and see Gyles in front of the door. I know how this looks. I thought I would be able to satisfy my cravings without having to interact with anyone.

"Hey,’’ I manage with chicken in my mouth.

He smiles and walks into the kitchen. I watch him as he opens the fridge and brings out a bottle of water from it. He starts to walk out of the kitchen "Aren’t you curious?’’ I call him out and maybe this is the part of me that wants to talk to someone. I should’ve just let him go. He didn’t say anything to me which just means he wouldn’t say anything to anyone.

It is not like I am doing something wrong.

"Well, I take it you don’t want anyone to see this. So I respect that.’’ he smiles.

"It’s just food,’’ I try to play it out like it is nothing.

He scoffs "Vampires don’t devour chicken like it’s their last meal,’’ he picks out the one thing that makes this weird.

"Do you want to sit with me? We can talk about how weird this is?’’ I ask him, hoping he agrees to this. I want to pour out my heart right now and he seems like the easiest person to talk to.

Maybe because he is here.

"Uh...’’

I smile "Come on. You could talk about your problems too. I know bits of what you are going through, so maybe I can help.’’

He laughs and walks over to me. Slowly, he slides to the floor beside me and a smile forms on my face. "So why are you eating so much?’’ he looks at all the food on the floor.

"I am hungry,’’ I tell him honestly.

He raises a brow "You are a vampire...right?"

I guess he needs to ask again because this is fucking weird. "Yeah. At least I was a vampire the last time I checked.’’

He laughs at my admittance "What the fuck is going on in this pack?’’

I can’t help but join him in laughter because he is right. The things that I have witnessed here are so unusual. It all started with me and Beau and it keeps on expanding. I am losing the strength to handle it all.

"Can you keep secrets?"

He shrugs "I’ve never had to before. Don’t know if I can.’’

I like his honesty.

"Okay, what if you tell me a secret and I tell you mine. Then you have something you don’t want people to know, so you will treasure mine.’’

He laughs.

It is really easy talking to him.

I have heard that he is selfish and I know I can’t judge him from this interaction but I don’t think he is a bad person. I just think he is very misunderstood.

"Deal,’’ he stretches his hand out and I take it in mine. "So, you want to go first?’’ he adds.

I nod. This is just me wanting to talk to someone about this. I am so desperate that I am telling someone other than my mate. I don’t know how Beau will feel about this but I know he won’t be too happy about this. I know he would want me to talk to him about how I am feeling. It’s hard for me because for the first time, I know I am not on the same page with him.

I don’t want this anymore.

And it scares me because I know he wants this more than anything. He brings up those kids in any conversation. We will be talking about something random and he would mention their names.

There is this love he has for them that somehow surpasses the love he has for me and this is not jealousy. I just don’t like that I have to go through this.

"I have been eating a lot lately. I don’t even drink blood anymore,’’ I tell him and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest with that revelation.

"That just means that something is wrong, have you spoken to anyone about this?’’

I shake my head. I have only had thoughts about this and then secretly eaten to satisfy myself "You are the first person I have told." I confess.

He raises a brow "Why are you scared?"

"Because a part of me knows why this is happening.’’

This is the moment where I will say the word out loud.

"Is that the secret?’’ he asks curiously.

I nod.

"So come on. Tell me,’’ he urges me. His curiosity is bigger than when he walked into the kitchen. I am so scared to say this out loud.

"There is a back story that you might not get to hear."

He nods, I continue "I think I am pregnant.’’

The moment those words come of my eyes and his eyes open wide from the shock, I regret it. It is supposed to make me feel better but it only makes me feel ten times worse. I shouldn’t be talking about this to anyone but the love of my life. if I tell him how I feel, he will understand.

I don’t know how to take this back because it is already out there in the open.

"Wow, I wanted to say is that even possible but I don’t know anymore,’’ he breathes out finally. That shocked expression is wiped out of his face and it makes me feel a little bit better.

"Apparently it is. I had a dream about them. My babies. I wanted it so badly but now that It is happening, I don’t think I want it anymore.’’

He nods "Because you are scared?’’

It is almost like he can read me. I am terrified of the whole process and there is also the worry that I won’t be a good father to those kids. That out lifestyle will just endanger them.

"Yes,’’ I admit.

He smiles "There is a lot to be scared of. I understand why you would be scared but this is something amazing. you are bringing babies into this world. Your babies. I think you should focus on that and not all the negatives.’’

His advice is good and it should make me feel better. it doesn’t, the only reason why I feel slightly better than before is because I said it out. "I don’t want to have these children," I tell him.

He sighs because deep down, he knows he can’t convince me.

"You should talk to Beau about how you feel. I am sure he will understand.’’

I don’t actually think he will.

"Tell me yours." I urge him because I don’t want to think about mine anymore. I want to just keep hiding how I feel until it happens.

I don’t want Beau to ever know.

Chapter 233: He left

Gyles.

I open my eyes and the sky is dark. A whole day passed before my eyes. There is this ache in my chest. All the memories that I wanted to forget are all stuck in my head. I want to have Blue for doing this to me but I can’t. I don’t even have the courage to hate him anymore. My heart is at the point where it is beating ferociously for him. All the fighting, the pushing. It was all a waste of time because now, all I want is him.

Rex is asleep next to me. I don’t know how long I have been asleep but I think about everything. There is no way I will share these memories with anyone. Not even Rex. The only thing I got out of them is the fact that Roger is the one that caused everything. Is that why I have been holding on for so long? Trying to fight it?

I don’t want to remember him as the person that killed my whole family. I only want good memories. The times we shared, all the things that he did that made me happy. Now all I remember is that man calling him and he told the guy to kill me.

I stand up from the bed and he doesn’t even budge. Slowly, I walk out of his room because I need some air and a bottle of water. I smell a presence in the kitchen before I even walk in and it comes as a shock when I see Alanis devouring chicken. It is weird to me and when he asks me to stay. A part of me feels happy. I don’t have anyone in this community to talk to and most times, I feel like I don’t belong here.

Our conversation goes smoothly until it is my turn to tell a secret. The one thing I don’t want anyone to know. I know what it is but there is this fear inside me. The one that makes me not want to trust him. He told me something major—thinking about it, I can’t even believe it.

It just seems so impossible.

"Come on, your turn. You need to keep your word." He pushes me with a smile on his face. I take a deep breath because I know I have to do this.

"I got my memory back,’’ I confess.

He opens his eyes wide, probably shocked "Everything?’’

I nod.

"And?’’

"It was a lot.’’

This is harder than I thought it would be and I can’t believe that the one person I am pouring my heart to is none other than Beau’s mate. Roger’s worst enemy.

"I wasn’t kidnapped. The people that took me were my real family. When I was a baby, my father’s best friend planned with a vampire—the man I lived with all my life. They took me away from my parents. Kept me for so long. The ambush that happened was just to get me back. My father wanted me back.’’

It is harder saying this out loud. So hard that my hands start to tremble. He stretches his hand out to me "Chicken?’’ he offers me. I burst out in laughter immediately as he drops the chicken back into the bucket "That was just to get you to smile,’’ he winks.

I smile back at him gratefully. He is making this easier than it would have been. Talking to him is so easy. I didn’t even expect this.

"So, the vampires were the bag guys. I hate to break it to you but we knew all this already,’’ he tells me still smiling.

That is the easier part of this.

"I was with them for a long time until Roger—" I correct myself "Cassius attacked the pack," I explain because even saying this is very hard. I feel all the guilt I have carried with me. In my consciousness and subconsciousness.

"Wow, so he killed your family?’’

I nod.

He did and that is why I feel like complete shit. I hate that the reason why they lost their lives is because of the man that I loved—who did it because of me. Which in turn makes it all my fault. They all died because of me.

"You think it is your fault?’’ he asks me, almost like he just read my mind.

I nod because I don’t think. I know that it is my fault and the worse part of it all is that I don’t hate him. Roger will always be dear to my heart and even though I know of the things he did. I don’t hate him.

Does that make me a monster?

"You know you don’t have to hate someone just because they are a bad person. Cassius did some bad things in his life and I hate him because of those things, I only knew him as the person that wanted to kill Beau’s family. I didn’t know who he was before all the bad things he did. You knew him when he was good. He made a lot of mistakes but there was still a little good in him. You don’t have to hate him for the things he has done."

It should make me feel better but it doesn’t.

"I feel like there is no difference between me and him. The fact that I still care about him even though I know all the things that he did. The fact that all those people died because of me.’’

He smiles "You are not like him. You might feel like you are but you still have a chance to make different choices than him. Don’t make the same mistakes that he did. Live your life knowing you did good things."

I close my eyes because he is right. I still have a chance to have that happy ending that I desperately crave. The one that I can only get with Blue and Rex. I have to make things right. I have to get him to forgive me and see that I am different. I am not the person I was.

*************************

The next morning I try to talk to Rex about talking things out with Blue.

"I need him to forgive me. I need things to be cool with us. I am ready for everything.’’ I tell him with hopes that he is on my side.

I don’t want to do anything anymore without Rex’s permission—okay, maybe not permission but I want him to be in the know. I won’t go around doing this that he won’t be proud of anymore.

"I didn’t want to wake you up yesterday. There is something you should know,’’ he tells me and I already know that it is something bad.

"Did something happen?’’ I ask him scared.

I can’t handle anything bad right now.

"Blue went home.’’

My heart freezes from his words. I don’t even know why he left but it already feels like it is my fault. He left because of me.

He left because of you.

My wolf accuses me.

Chapter 234: The coven

Blue.

It takes approximately six hours to get home and all through the drive I feel an emptiness that I can’t even explain. I am not leaving them forever. This is not even going to take more than a week. I just need to give them my blood to heal her. The only way the leader of the coven can be healed is a remedy that includes the blood of the next in line. This is not the first time I have given her my blood and I doubt it will be the last time.

This time, it feels too problematic.

I am still upset with her. I haven’t forgiven her for all the lies and deceit. Everything would have been easier if she had just told me the truth. I wouldn’t have had sex with Gyles because I would’ve known about their traditions. Rex seems to think that I know everything. I am struggling here and he thinks I have it all so easy.

Which is so far from the truth.

Most times, I act like I know things and my willed sense makes it easier. I can tell things before they actually happen and right now, I know that whatever is wrong with her is not as bad as the phone calls made it out to be.

"Thanks, Jules,’’ I manage as we drive into the gates of the estate. The coven is an estate full of witches. Everyone that lives in this large estate is a witch or warlock. This is the place I have called home for so long. It never felt like home, no matter how hard I tried to fit in. I had a regular life. I went to school until I was eighteen and then I dropped out. No matter where I went, I just never belonged. Even the pack, I still feel that sense of not belonging. Rex and Gyles never really made me feel at home. The whole thing was just so complicated.

I just hope with my absence they will miss me and then they will accept me wholeheartedly.

"What happens when you have sex with your mate before the mating ceremony,’’ I ask him as he parks the car in front of the large house that I have lived in all my life.

He turns the ignition and raises a brow "Did you have sex with your mate?’’ he asks curiously.

I don’t want to talk about my sex life with him but I also want to know what will happen. I need to know because I plan on fixing it. I might have left them without any assurances but Rex knows that I will keep fighting for him. I won’t give on the two of them. Right now, Gyles is still clouded by his selfishness. I believe in him and I know that he will come around and be the person I know that he can be. While he figures it all out, I want to find a solution to the problem.

Right now, Rex seems to think that I have ruined our chances but I am so sure there is always a way out.

"Something like that,’’ I tell him because there is no point lying about it. Jules seems to think that I will be coming back to live with him after this is all over. The problem Lone wolves have is that they think other wolves are like him. I still don’t know his story and I don’t know why he chose to live his life alone but I will not survive being alone. I crave the comfort of always having someone by my side. I need that more than anything and maybe that is why I am fighting so hard for them.

I don’t want to lose this feeling.

The way I feel when I am with them, the joy, and the bliss. It is what makes me want to keep going on and someone like Jules will never understand because he chose to live alone.

"That probably messed it all up,’’ he tells me with a shrug.

I frown. "But it doesn’t mean there is no redemption from that,’’ I mention. I don’t need to know that I made a mistake, I just want to know the solution for the mistake.

"There is always room for redemption.’’

I wait for him to continue, tell me what I need to do. "There is a ceremony, one that is the opposite of the mating ritual."

"Has it ever been done before?"

He smiles "Of course it has been done before. You need to know that wolves are hot-blooded and horny creatures. We just can’t keep it in our pants,’’ he chuckles and then adds "How do you think I had you in the first place.’’

To him, what he just said is the funniest thing ever but to me, it is just gross. All I got from his joke is that there is a chance to make things right. Once I sort things out here, I plan on going back and making things right with them.

"Thanks, Jules,’’ I tell him as I grab the handle of the door. He looks at me and I sense the sadness as it crawls out of him. He doesn’t want me to leave and the fact that I won’t be coming home to be with him adds to it. I don’t know what I can say to offer him assurance that I am grateful for all he has done for me. If he didn’t take me to the moonlight pack, I would have never met my mates. He has shown me, love, in ways that I have never felt in my life growing up.

He smiles "Just make sure you come back to me.’’

I nod because even though I am basically abandoning him right now, I will always recognize him as my father. I will always check up on him. See him over the holidays. I will make him a part of my life for as long as I am breathing. I walk out of the car and I watch him drive off. I am already dreading this because I know what it entails. I thought I could take a break from the coven for a while but she always keeps me on a string that I just can’t seem to cut off.

Walking through the doors, the candles are the first thing I see and the smell of incense. I have always hated the scents of the house. I hated it growing up and I hate it now. The memories of locking myself in the closet by the halls. Crying my eye out after a meeting. Being bullied by the other kids.

Not belonging.

I shake the thoughts out of my head because things are different now. I have a chance to be different. Levine, mom sister--my aunt, walks out of her room, distracting me from all the thoughts in my head. She has a grim look on her face. There are dark circles around her Brown eyes and her red curly hair looks messy and not brushed. It seems like she hasn’t slept since she called me.

"You’re here, finally,’’ she exclaims loudly. Her voice echoes in the halls as she grabs my hand and drags me to the spell room. Hopefully, they only need me for my blood and I can leave in a couple of days.

"Can I at least see her first?’’ I ask her.

She shakes her head immediately as she opens the door to the room. The spell room is where all the magic potions and books are kept. There are shelves all around with books that can help with anything. I haven’t ever been interested in all this but growing up, I made it a habit to read all the books. I was always alone, so I had enough time.

She leads me to an empty chair "This time is worse than it has ever been,’’ she tells me.

I furrow my brows in confusion "How?’’ I ask her.

She closes her eyes and the next word that leaves her lips shock me.

"She was poisoned."

That is not what is shocking about it because mom doesn’t eat or drink anything from just anyone. The only person that could have done this has to be someone close to her.

So much for leaving in two days.

The knife pierces my skin without any warning and I close my eyes without even flinching because all I want to do at this moment is get back to Rex and Gyles.

Chapter 235: More doubts

Alanis.

"I am suffocating Eligio,’’ I shout into the pillow.

He laughs because as usual, this is funny to him. I don’t understand why he can’t just understand how I feel right now. I am slowly dying keeping all this inside me.

Beau is too excited to talk to. He still doesn’t know but he feels like he knows. I don’t know what Alby has told him but it must be along the lines of the babies. The one thing I am trying to keep from him. I hate this so much. I hate that I have to hide this from him. Hide the way I feel.

He wouldn’t be happy with me if he finds out and I know this is something he will eventually find out. When we talked about it. I didn’t think too much, I thought it would take years before it finally happened but it has just been a couple of months. I just got with him and I didn’t even have time to adjust to being with a wolf. Now I have to accept bearing his kids.

Fuck.

I have always been the considerate one. I have taken everything with a grain of salt and maybe this is me finally having that breakdown. I don’t even know what to call it.

Stress.

"You should talk to Beau. Why is how you are feeling a secret from him?’’ he raises a brow. His hands are on the bedpost. I came over to the house to talk to him. Talking to Gyles helped but I need to talk to my brother. He could have a solution to this messed up shebang.

Right now, he is confused and amused at the same time. He doesn’t understand the seriousness of this situation. "He is so happy about this, even though he has no clue yet. I have been hiding all my fucking cravings from him. I wake up at midnight to eat. You don’t know how hard that has been. The other day, he was devouring a piece of meat and I ran into the bathroom to puke. I couldn’t let him see me puke."

He burst out in laughter at my confession. I watch him as he tries to stop the tears from falling. To him, this is funny. He doesn’t seem to pick up on the fact that I am fucking pregnant.

Shit.

Even thinking about it scares the crap out of me.

"Dude, you can’t keep this from him forever,’’ he tells me after a couple of seconds of composure. I roll my eyes because he is not seeing this the same way as I am "Pretty soon, it will start to show, what will you do then?’’ his eyes dart to my stomach. I grab the pillow I was fondling with and cover his view, which makes him laugh again.

The fact that this doesn’t seem as serious to him as it is to me just lets me know that I am overreacting. I know that I am but I just want to be able to express how I feel for once and right now, I don’t want this pregnancy. I am not ready for it.

"I know I have to tell him but the thoughts that I have are so scary that it terrifies me. I don’t want him to know that I don’t want this,’’ I confess.

He walks over to me and sits down on the bed. My eyes stay on him "This shouldn’t make you this worried. If you don’t want those kids. Why not tell him the truth. I am so sure that Beau will understand. You guys have been through so much to be hiding this from him.’’

He is right but I know this is not something Beau will just get over. He has wanted this for so long. Even now, he talks about it like it is a dream come true and maybe it is a dream come true for him. This is something that should be impossible for us. Two guys having children is impossible but somehow the deities have made it possible and I should be grateful but I am terrified.

So terrified that it is making me so miserable.

I am miserable right now and the one person I should be able to tell this to is unavailable emotionally right now. Telling him I feel will be a downer to his own emotions. I don’t want to ruin the happiness he feels by pouring out my sadness.

"He’s going to hate me. What will he think about me, if he knows that I want this to fail? I have already killed our babies in my mind. What kind of person kills babies?’’

Eligio smiles, and reaches for me, placing his hand on my shoulder gently "You haven’t killed any babies. You are just having doubts. I can assure you that this is not about you not wanting this.’’

I scoff "I don’t want this.’’

He raises a brow "What if I tell you that I have seen something that you haven’t and I know for a fact that you are going to love all this?"

He is trying to convince me. I wish there was a way he could. I wish eventually, he is right because I want to love this as much as Beau does. I want to feel the same excitement he feels when he thinks about this.

"You’re just saying this. You don’t actually mean it,’ I tell him with an eye roll.

I don’t believe him.

He reaches for me abruptly and I feel the surge and suddenly my eyes are seeing what he is. Slowly, I am back in the community. I am in a room. There are two beds next to each other. I look out of the window and the sky is dark. The only light in the room is coming from a nightlight in between the two beds.

"Daddy,’’ I look towards the sound of the voice and one of the kids is seated on the bed. I recognize him immediately from all my other dreams. His eyes are filled with tears. I try to reach for him but the door opens and I see myself as I walk into the room.

"Daddy’s here,’’ I watch future me run into his arms. The kid wraps his arms around me and my heart melts. "Another nightmare?’’ I ask.

He nods as I wipe the tears from his face but he doesn’t stop crying. I have always thought that children crying is the most annoying sound ever, but his eyes pull me in. he makes me want to console him.

"What did daddy tell you about the nightmares?’’ my future self asks.

"They are just dreams of our fears,’’ the kid answers sniffing loudly.

I smile as his sniffing gets even louder. The future me nods "Close your eyes and count to ten.’’ I watch as he obeys me. Doing exactly what he asks. The sight in front of me warms my heart. I want to like it but it doesn’t change my mind.

I don’t want to give birth.

"You make your dreams, don’t let the bad man control you.’’

This is not the first time we are mentioning this bad man and it has me worried. Why is my baby dreaming about a particular monster? It makes me think that something actually happened and that worries me even more.

I snap out of the vision and El smiles at me "Isn’t that just the cutest thing ever?’’ I nod my head to his question because I can’t deny it. It doesn’t change how I feel right now. He senses the hesitation in my eyes. "Talk to your man. He is the only one you should be talking to.’’