Ch. 191..200

Chapter 191

When I return to the present, the room is completely silent. Henry is still holding my hand, though he also holds a bucket in case I need te be sick. Leon is watching mę closely, as if trying to decipher my mental state. Gabriel, Phil!ppe and Roger look on from the doorway in a horrified hush. I hadn’t been wild about having them here with me during such a vulnerable time, but in the end we agreed that we needed as many brains on the case as possible. Besides, I’m discovering that I don’t really mind having so many friends on hand this really is a strange new world for me.

“Do you want me to bring you out of the ether, Ella?” Leon finally asks, and I realize that he hadn’t been forced to give me the antidote this time. I’m still floating along under the influence of the drug, still in the safe embrace of the high despite the horrible things I’ve just remembered. I’m not feeling yet, not processing, and I don’t think I want I shake my” updated by jobnib.com” head in refusal, moving my hand to my belly. The baby reaches out to me through our bond, uncertain and afraid. Had he understood my fear, my helplessness? Or did all he know was that I was suffering? “Can I have something nice?” I request, not truly knowing what I want or need. “

Something for the baby?”

“I have just the thing,” Henry replies, pulling out his phone. He presses a b.utton, and then the sound of Sinclair’s purrs fills the air. I forgot I’d sent him the recording my mate provided earlier today, but now I’m beyond glad of it. Rafe and I instantly calm, and though longing for Sinclair tugs viciously at my heart, I sink deeper into the plush sofa and try to lose myself in the cozy sound.

“Anything else?” Henry inquires, stroking my hair.

“Do we have any popsicles?”I sniffle, and for the first time I realize my cheeks are soaked with tears. For a moment I revel in the sensation of the salty moisture on my skin, of the burning in my eyes.

Everything seems so different in this state, and I could spend hours exploring the feelings – if only I didn’t have to dig into my past as well.

“IIl check the kitchens, and if they’re out I’ll get some.” Roger promises, slipping out of the room.

“Let’s talk about what just happened.” Leon suggests once I’ve relaxed. Of course, this is the last thing I want to do, now that the memory is over I want to leave it in the past where it belongs

“Do we have to?” I inquire in a small voice, trying to disappear into the couch. Stupid sofa, my wolf thìnks, I want my nest, why do we keep doing this here? It’s all lumpy and there aren’t nearly enough pìllows Where am I supposed to be now?

“1 thìink we should.” Leon answers gently. interrupting my inner animal. “We didn’t talk about our last session because it was so distressing, but you seem to be steadier now.” He pauses, and when l don’t respond he continues. “I know you’re only doing this to find answers for the war, but my job isn’t the answers, Ella – it’s not even the war. My job is your mental health, it’s helping you understand and deal with the things we discover in a productive way.”

“Dominic wouldn’t make me.”l counter petulantly, reaching for Henry’s phone so that I can balance the device on my tummy. The speaker thumps against my baby bump, the volume growing louder for my pup and allowing us both to feel the vibrations as if he were really here with us.

“I’m not sure that’s true, little mother.” Henry warns me, in that paternal voice that both warms my soul and annoys my wolf for being bossy.

“I’ve been doing fine without this warlock’s help.”

I argue instead, and I hear Gabriel smother a snort of laughter.

You tell him. My wolf encourages. Nosey wolf.

Remind him that our mate could k!ll him with no more than his little finger if he wanted.

“Have you really?” Leon questions, not seeming the least bit bothered by my insult. “Just because you didn’t remember these things, it doesn’t mean they weren’t hurting you – affecting the way you interact with the world.”

“We don’t have time for this.” I insist. “I understand you want to help, but I’m more concerned with finding out who these priests are, why they keep turning up in my past.”

“So you aren’t bothered by the fact that you k!lled those men?” Leon prods curiously. “Did you know you were capable of such violence before, even in self defense? Did you imagine you would have such a sk!ll for it?”

His words slice through me, and suddenly it feels as though I have ice in my veins. I did k!ll those men. I took their lives without a second thought, and with no remorse. They’d deserved it.. hadn’t they? They were going to hurt me, r*pe me, sell me like chattel… but that doesn’t change the fact that I murdered them. It’s because of me that they no longer exist on this earth. Did they have families?

People who mourned them? Children I rendered fatherless – no! Stop this, it won’t do any good.

“Talking about it won’t change the past.” I insist. “

It’s done.

“You don’t think it’s worth exploring all the things you suffered because you didn’t have your wolf to protect yourself, or because you were trying to protect the people you love?” Leon presses, and my frustration grows. “If it were me I think I’d feel very angry with those priests for taking my magic from me, for standing by and just watching as those men assaulted me.”

“But it wasn’t you!” I snap, more fiercely than I intended. I’m outraged to realize how furious I am, just as he says. Still, I lash my anger at him, rather than acknowledging the truth of his words “They assaulted me, the priests took my wolf. Stop presuming to know how I feel.”

“So tell me.” Leon provokes, “tell me how you feel, Ella, and I won’t presume.

Roger returns then, and I hear the glorious crinkling of a popsicle wrapper. I accept the cold sweet eagerly, rejoicing as the flavors explode on my tongue. “Oh my goddess, this is the best thing I’ve ever tasted.” I know it’s the ether talking, but even that awareness slips away a minute later when neon- colored visions of frOZen desserts appear on the ceiling above my head. While I get lost in the hallucination, I hear the others continue to talk.

The King sighs, and to my surprise, he speaks up in my defense. “Leon, I hate to say it because I know you were against haūing such a large audience in the first place, but if this is going to turn into a true therapy session then the rest of us probably shouldn’t be here. As you said. that’s not really why we came to you. If Ella doesn’t want to do the work, you can’t force her.”

“I’m just trying to take care of my patient.” Leon defends, sounding resigned. It’s not safe or responsible to uncover these sorts of traumas with someone – only to cut out and leave them to deal with it on their own. It would be like a doctor performing surgery and then never doing any post-op checks or physical therapy. If Ella wants these answers, she needs to face them afterwards, not just ignore them.”

“I understand.” The King agrees, “And you’re right, but these aren’t regular circ.umstances.”

“She’s been through a lot.” Henry adds, “And she’s dealing with a lot now. I have to admit I worry what might happen if you start digging into all this when she’s under so much stress as it is”

“The digging is already done.” Leon corrects him “

These things aren’t just going to go away. Do any of you know how she’s actually been coping since the first session? How she’s been feeling?”

“You know I can hear you.”I pipe up, suddenly very conscious of Phil!ppe opening his mouth and worried he’ll rat me out about my nightmares. “I’m not a child and I might be high but you don’t have to talk about me as if I’m not here. It’s very patronizing” I continue savoring my popsicle as I forge on. “I’m pretty sure I’ve already made my feelings on this clear – and I’m the patient, so it’s my choice.”

“Fine.” Leon concedes, sounding annoyed and exasperated. “But mark my words, you’re courting disaster.” He strides over to me, and I blink up at the grumpy therapist. “Ella I hope you’ll call me to talk when you come down from the ether. You can call me any time, when you’re ready I’ll be waiting” He departs without another word, and I look around at the gloomy faces of the remaining men.

“So what do we think?” Roger asks after a moment.

“What was that memory all about? Why would servants of the Goddess do such a thing?”

“They were testing her.” Henry concludes grimly.

“Testing her for what?” Gabriel replies sounding confused.

“To see if she was worthy? If she could survive?”

Henry suggests, not sounding particularly confident with these explanations. “Perhaps to see if she was ready.”

“For what?” The King presses.

“I have no idea, but I can tell you if they ever turn up again, I’m going to have some words for them.”

Henry snarls.

“Do you think there’s more? More memories like this?” Gabriel questions then.

Henry sounds about as enthusiastic as an executioner signing a death warrant. “I hate to say it, but Im afraid there are.”

 

Chapter 192

My nightmares were worse than ever before the night after my second session with Leon, and I wake thrashing in my nest, with Phil!ppe hovering above me, shaking me vigorously. I shriek and recoil, and he backs away from me with his hands outstretched in apology. “It’s okay, I’m sorry.” He breathes, ‘I didn’t know how else to wake you.”

I gulp in a few gasps of air, trying to calm my racing heart. Rafe sends flashes of concern through our bond, and I immediately grab my phone, turning on the recording of Sinclair’s purrs.

This is getting out of hand, Ella.” Phil!ppe scolds, still standing over the bed.

I’ve got it under control.” I insist.

“You don’t.” He cuts, and I can’t, in good conscience, let this continue.”

(You’re my personal guard, Phil!ppe.” I remind him in the sternest voice I can summon, “It’s a very intimate relationship and there has to be trust between us. You hear everything I do, everything I say – whether I’m sick to my stomach or on the phone with my mate. This is a private matter which you are only privy to because of your position and I have to be able to trust you won’t betray my privacy, otherwise this arrangement won’t work”

I may be your personal guard, but I still answer to the Alpha and he wouldn’t approve of this.”

Phil!ppe counters, crossing his arms over his c.hest.

“You also agreed to help us with the hypnosis behind his back.” I remind him, Now do you want to tell him that I ordered you not to say a word about any of it and you obeyed out of respect for our relationship, or do you want to tell him you were fine with being disloyal to him only until you had reason to be disloyal to me?”

Phil!ppe narrows his eyes, I don’t like you very much right now.

‘Right back at you.” I respond, clambering to my feet. “But I appreciate your honesty.”

He growls as I move towards the door. “Where are you going?”

To find someone cuddlier than you.” I toss back over my shoulder, pulling on my robe and feeling thankful that I’d gone against Sinclair’s wishes and continued wearing pajamas while he’s away. Of course, I know he’ll be disappointed that I missed another dream date, but when I get lost in my night terrors, there’s no way to find him. I pad through the halls to Cora’s bedroom, not bothering to tap on the door before entering.

She stirs as I climb into bed with her, m0aning sleepily, Ella?”

“Can I sleep with you?” I ask, snuggling up to her and sighing as her arms come around me.

“of course,” She agrees without hesitation.

Though I’m surprised you don’t want to be in your nest.”

“Well I do.” I confess, “I just want to be alone less.”

Bad dreams?” She guesses, only too familiar with the phenomenon. I nod pitifully, and she takes me by the hand, “Come on, then.”

Phil!ppe rolls his eyes when the door opens again and a bleary-eyed Cora leads me back to my rooms.

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I don’t complain when she directs me back into my own bed and climbs in with me, and she doesn’t bat an eye when I turn on Sinclair’s purrs. «Thank you.”

I murmur against her hair. I needed this.”

I catch my sister smiling out of the corner of my eye, and I nudge her, What?”

“It’s just… this is nice.” Cora replies softly. “I mean I’m not happy you’re having nightmares, I just like being the one to comfort you for once.”

You comfort me all the time.” I inform her defiantly.

(Not like this.” She murmurs, “You were always the one to Scare away the monsters in our closet. “

(Yeah well, the monsters aren’t staying in the closet anymore.” I confess miserably.

Do you want to talk about it?” Cora inquires. I shake my head n0, and I catch a note of exasperation in her voice. “You don’t always have to be such a martyr, Ella. Suffering in silence doesn’t help anyone, least of all yourself.”

My muscles stiffen. “Is that what you think? That I enjoy playing the martyr? Sacrificing myself to fulfill some self-righteous hero complex?)

(No, I know that’s not the reason.” She answers apologetically, “but whatever your motives, you do have a habit of hogging all the worst things in life for yourself. You always have.”

There’s an ironic note in her voice which tells me that she doesn’t resent me for it, at least, not the way she had the last time we talked about this.

You’re my sister, it’s my job to hog the suffering to spare you.”

“But I’m older, I’m supposed to be the one looking out for you. Do you have any idea how much I hated myself when we were growing up, how much I still do, because I wasn’t strong enough to take care of you.” I suspect Cora has done a lot of thinking since our fight earlier this year, because rather than

accusing me of making her weak by coddling her, she’s admitting that those feelings came from a place of self-doubt.

“It didn’ t matter that you were older. I’m a wolf.” I argue.

“So what, you age in dog years?” She jibes.

…

No… I just, I was able to survive things you couldn’t ….I don’t add that I may have been destined to as well, the way things have been going with my hypnosis.

“But you lost your wolf.” Cora declares, surprising me. “Do you think I didn’t know?It’s all over the palace Ella.”

I know that now… then all I knew was that I couldn’t stand to see the people I love hurt… I still can’t.” I muse aloud.

“It’s not a bad thing to be selfish sometimes, Elle, to put yourself first every now and then. In fact, it’s called self-care.” Cora states, rubbing my back.

I’ve been plenty selfish lately.” I confess, thinking of my behavior with Sinclair, and even my thoughtlessness about the human impact of our war, my failure to see how this tumult was affecting Cora. “And part of me enjoyed it, having someone who made me feel safe enough to explore all the things I never had a chance to be growing up.

Dominic has never faulted me – not at my b.rattiest or most needy, he guided me through it all with utter patience. But I think the time for that has passed.” I conclude, clamping my eyes shut. “I have a baby on the way, and an entire pack looking to me as a leader now.)

But why does that mean you have to hurt yourself?”” Cora inquires. “Why does that mean you have to suffer?”

Because everyone is suffering right now and I’m not special because I have a powerful mate… if the people suffer, I suffer.” I explain logically.

“That’s all well and good, very noble.” Cora assesses. “But how are you supposed to lead them if you’re a basket case?”

I won’t be permanently.” I reason. Dominic will be back in a few weeks, and then I’ll feel better.”

(This is about so much more than Dominic, Ella.”

Cora exhales heavily. “Feeling safe and loved is important. But it can’t fix everything you’re learning in these sessions, it can’t erase everything you’ve repressed. Only you can do that. You can’t keep running from the past and pretending like everything is fine – mark my words it will catch up to you.”

I look up at her in surprise, because I haven’t shared anything about my hypnosis sessions with her, and as far as anyone knows, there has only been one session. Did Roger say something?”

‘No, you silly thing, Cora scoffs. “I’m your sister, I know how you operate.”

“Right.” I chuckle humorlessly. “silly me.”

There’s a pregnant pause, and then she asks, “Are you sure you aren’t doing all this to punish yourself?”

‘No… I’m not sure of anything.” I murmur, “Not anymore. I don’t even know who I am.”

(You’ve never known that.” Cora teases, k!ssing my cheek.

“Even a penniless orphan is an ident!ty.” I reply, “I can’t even fall back on that anymore.”

Poor darling.” Cora croons, “You know if you want to complain about possibly finding out who you are after a lifetime of questions, you might want to do it to someone who isn’t bound to die an orphan with all of theirs unanswered.”

“Fair point.” I giggle, squeezing her. We lie like that for a little while longer, our thoughts spinning with all the challenges facing us. Though Cora hasn’t said it this evening, I know she feels as overwhelmed as I do. “What are we going to do, Cora? Everything’s such a mess.”

“We’re together, that’s all that matters.” She says, echoing the words I’ve used to comfort her a thousand times before. You and I can get through anything, we had a lifetime of practice, remember?”

I love you.” I profess gratefully.

“I love you too, now try to get some sleep. Cora advises. Things always look better in the morning.”

 

Chapter 193

Things did not look better in the morning. At least, not for all the people back home in Moon Valley – shifter and human alike. With every day that passes, the worse the crisis grows, with refugees flooding out of the occupied territories and ever-rising death tolls. It feels insane that I’m one of the people in charge of solving this crisis, especially since I was just a Nanny a few months ago. It used to be that I would watch events like this unfold on the news and wonder what our world leaders were going to do to fix it… now I am one of those leaders.

The best I can do is take it one step at a time, and though I sometimes feel like I’m shirking my duties with the summit by focusing on the refugees so much, I feel like they need me most. It’s difficult, draining work, but it’s also more rewarding than I could imagine – even when things are tough.

And speaking of tough, there is one refugee in particular proving to be a tough nut to crack – not that this is surprising. “Isabel,” I chime, striding into the nursery. The she-wolf looks up from the diaper she’s changing, and her expression immediately becomes guarded.

Before I can reach her, a small herd of pups race forward to clamber around my legs, “Ella! Ella!”

There are fewer familiar faces here than before, since we’ve successfully placed a number of the orphans in foster homes. Still I continue coming every day to nap with the remaining children, and I love the time I spend with them.

“Luna.” Isabel greets me stiffly, carrying over the child she’d been tending. I’m surprised to see it isn’t Sadie, but when I search the room I spy James cradling the young girl by the fire, grinning down at her with obvious adoration. I can’t help but raise my brows, as far as I know Isabel doesn’t trust anyone with her precious charge, so it speaks volumes that she’s relinquished her to the soldier.

The King tells me you rejected another foster home for Sadie.” I explain, lifting one of the munchkins tugging at my skirt. “That’s seven families you’ve passed up, you realize.”

Isabel shrugs, not looking the least bit repentant. “I didn’t like the look of them.

“And what exactly did you find so objectionable?”I ask suspiciously – the woman has come up with countless inane excuses to reject potential fosters.

«The mother smelled of cleaning chemicals and their own pups looked as though they’d been kept in a bubble their whole lives.” Isabel explains haughtily.

“That mother works as a housekeeper, she can’t help smelling a bit like the tools of her trade.” I remind her, propping one hand on my h!p and pinning her with a disapproving gaze. “Besides, two days ago you objected to a family because their pups had dirt on their shoes.”

“It’s about balance.” Isabel insists obstinately. “I don’t want Sadie to go to an unsanitary home, but I also don’t believe children should grow up in completely sterile conditions – how is she supposed to build an immune system?

“I think you are determined to find problems with everyone we bring to you, because you don’t want to give Sadie up at all. ” I state sternly. “And that’s okay. If you want to foster or adopt her yourself, I would be thrilled to help you do so. But don’t keep the baby in limbo. If you’re not going to commit to her then you need to give her to a family who will.”

I can’t adopt her.” Isabel mutters, all the bl00d draining from her face. “But why can’t I just keep her a while longer?”

“Isabel, ” I sigh gently. “Sadie lost her parents and she’s bonding to you more and more every day.

She’s getting used to her routine here and starting to feel comfortable in the nursery. Those are all good things if we can keep that going… but if we can’t… The last thing she needs is to get attached to another parent figure only to have them taken away.

That’s not what I want.” Isabel answers, her eyes shining as she looks toward the child in question.

James raises his head as if he senses her gaze, frowning when he sees her sorrowful features.

“Do you want to tell me why you’re so opposed to taking her in, when you obviously love her?” I prompt, sensing that I already know the answer.

“I don’t love her!” Isabel snaps defensively. “It’s not the same… I can’t…” She bites down on her l!p, then glares at me. “Why are you doing this?”

(I’m trying to do what’s best for everyone – you included.” I share, “I want to see you happy, Isabel.

I know that feels impossible right now-)

“Shut up!” She cries, interrupting me and stomping her foot in fury.

A gasp goes around the pups, and the little one perched on my h!p whispers, “She said a bad word!”

(You don’t know what you’re talking about – you have no idea what I’ve been through!” Isabel continues, pointing an outraged finger at me.

Happiness is… that’s done for me!I can’t ever have it again, nor should I! So get your annoyingly perfect nose out of my business and leave me alone!” With that she turns on her heel and storms off into her room. The door slams, and then the sound of her sobs float out to us.

I wipe tears out of my own eyes as the pup in my arms cuddles closer. “Is okay, don’t cry.”

(Why’s Miss Isabel so sad?”” Another asks, looking up to me with wide eyes and the expectation that I hold all the answers.

Footsteps approach, and then Jame’s voice murmurs, “Because Miss Isabel lost a baby and she misses her.” He explains softly, easing Sadie into my arms. “Let me talk to her, okay?”

I nod, “1’ll watch the pups.”

I try not to listen as he follows the distraught she- wolf, but with my supernatural hearing, there’s no avoiding this. The door opens then shuts, and I can imagine him standing over Isabel as she sprawls miserably on her bed.

“Go away.” Isabel sobs pitifully, her voice muffled – perhaps by pillows.

“No.” James counters firmly. We’re going to talk about this, Isabel.”

Id-don’t w-want to.” She objects, and I hear a soft thump as though she slammed her fist into the bedding.

“No, you just want to make yourself miserable.”

James answers, and the bed squeaks as he sits down.

You think if you let yourself be happy then it means you didn’t love your daughter. You think that adopting Sadie is the same as replacing her, forgetting her, as if loving another child would be disrespecting her memory.”

“Because it would!” Isabel whines. “I don’t want another pup, I want my Sophie!”

I know you do.” James acknowledges in a low purr, But you want Sadie too. And more importantly, Sadie needs a mother. So if you can’t do this for yourself, then do it for her.”

Isabel just m0ans wordlessly, and James seems to lose his patience. Come here, you stubborn thing.”

There’s a slight scuffle, with feminine snarls and the snapping of teeth, but soon enough Isabel’s struggles cease, her defiant limbs no doubt captured by the pilot’s powerful arms. His steady voice continues, “If you want to honor Sophie, the best thing you can do is not let your love go to waste.

Imagine if this was the other way around, and you had died with your mate, and Sophie was all alone in the world -»

I wish I had.” Isabel weeps, “I wish it had been me instead of her. It should have been me.”

(I know.” James croons, rocking her, k!ssing her hair. “But if Sophie were all alone in the world, you would want someone to love her as if she was their own.)

(I didn’t protect her.” The she-wolf keens, and I find myself choking back my own sobs, snuggling close to the pups around me as I recall the visceral pain of thinking I’ d k!lled my baby. It gives me the barest bit of insight into how the other woman must be feeling, and the gravity of her grief tears me to pieces.

“But you can still protect Sadie.” James proclaims, I promised her mother I would look after her, but I can’t take her with me on evacuation runs, or wear a baby carrier into battle. So I left her with you because I knew there was n0 one better. I believed you would watch over her as well as her own parents. Are you going to prove me wrong, Isabel She hiccups, “You’re not playing fair.”

“And you need to understand that shutting off your heart is a greater disservice to your daughter’s memory than anything else. As long as you hurt, as long as you miss her, your love lives on. But if you stop feeling, if you stop caring then you let that love go to waste.” James advises.

“If I adopt her, does that mean you’ll finally stop visiting ? Since your promise to her parents will have been fulfilled?” There’s both hope and fear in Isabel’s voice, as if she’s trying to convince herself she doesn’t want him around, even though she’s afraid he might actually say yes.

(Not on your life.” James chuckles, You can’t get rid of me that easily, little wolf.”

Well I’ll adopt her anyway.” Isabel agrees, sounding sullen. James purrs, and Isabel grumbles in return, but the sound is soon replaced by a whimper, and I have a sneaking suspicion that he silenced her in the way of all bossy Alphas – with his l!ps, and tongue, and wickedly talented hands.

 

Chapter 194

“I’m worried about Ella.” I confess, pushing away my dinner.

“You still haven’t been able to connect?” Hugo inquires, looking up from his own meal. We’re on the road today, in between territories and enjoying a rare night free of politics – though not free of stress. This is the first time I’ve been able to stop moving all day, and I know I have a long night of research and preparations for our next destination ahead.

“Not the way I want.” I confirm. “We talk on the phone but something feels off. It would be different if I could actually see her, hold her and feel her emotions for myself. I can’t stand this distance.”

“Maybe that’s all this is then,” Hugo guesses. “You feel anxious because you’re so far away and don’t have the bond to rely on, and the absence of the connection is driving your wolf to distraction”

“But it’s not just her.” I admit, “Every time I ask Dad or Gabriel about Ella, it feels like they’re holding something back, and it concerns me that she’s not coming to our dreams. Every time I reach out for her… it’s like she’s not even there.”

“That’s not unheard of. Dream meetings take more energy than regular sleep -more brain power.”

Hugo reasons, “Few couples meet that way every night, or even weekly – especially under such stressful conditions.”

“My worry is that she’s too stressed. I can hardly get her to turn on the video function on calls lately and when I do she’s got great big circles under her eyes.” I grumble, “And if I could get her into a dream then I could force her to tell me what’s going on, but my voice alone can only do so much.”

Not to mention the naughty thing finds an excuse to get off the phone as soon as we get stern with her. My wolf adds crankily.

“You knew that was a risk.” Hugo replies with a sigh, “And if you ask me, she’s not the only one working herself into the ground to distract herself from missing her mate.”

“That’s not why I’m doing it.” I counter grumpily, and he shoots me a disbelieving glance. “At least, it’s not the only reason. There’s too much to do. I feel guilty every time I take even the smallest break.”

“You and Ella are two sides of the same coin.”

Hugo laughs, “I think you both need to take a day off.”

“A day off to do what?” I scowl, feeling irrationally annoyed with my Beta even though I know he’s only trying to help. “Sightsee? Read a novel? While my people are dying?”

“So Ella shouldn’t get one either?” Hugo inquires slyly, finishing his plate. “She should keep working herself into the ground, until she’s completely burnt out?”

“That’s different.” I bite, baring my fangs at him.

“Why?” Hugo demands. “Why is it okay for her to take care of herself, but not you?”

“Because I don’t have the luxury of burning out! If I do, then I compromise the entire fvcking war.” I burst out angrily.

“And that’s exactly why you should set some damned boundaries for yourself, Dom.” Hugo growls. “Because if you keep this up, you will render yourself useless to us whether you approve of it or not. So for the love of the Goddess man, take the night off. Go call your mate and talk it out, take the edge off, do whatever you need. And come back tomorrow recharged.”

I narrow my eyes at him, annoyance surging through my veins, “You know you can be a bl00dy prick sometimes.”

“Yeah, but I’m right.” Hugo snorts, not the least bit bothered by the insult.

“Of course you are, that’s why it’s so damn iritating.” I chuckle, standing and clapping him on the shoulder. “Thank you, brother.”

I leave the hotel dining room and retreat to my room, pulling out my phone. It’s about 8 o’clock, and though Ella and I normally tałk much later than this, I think our brief bedtime calls might be part of the problem – they don’t leave us enough time to speak in depth. I dial her number and wait for the line to pick up, my wolf sighing with satisfaction when her silky voice fills my ear, ” Dominic?”

“Hello trouble.” I greet her, “What are you up to?”

“Just trying to catch up on the summit plans.” She explains. “Is everything okay? You’re early.”

“Everyth ing is just fine. I decided to take the night off, so you should too.” I order warmly.

“But I have so much left to do.” Ella objects, sounding uncertain.

“It wasn’t a suggestion, little wolf.”I chuckle darkly, “I’m making an executive decision that we both need a break.”

“But -“

“No buts, this is happening.” I command, leaving no room for argument. “Have you eaten dinner?”

“Yes.” Ella answers, sounding only slightly sullen.

“Did you have dessert?”I follow up, wishing she would turn on her damn camera so I can see her.

“No… though the chef did make an especially delicious looking cake today.” She reveals, obvious longing in her voice.

“Okay, then you call down to the kitchens and have someone bring you an extra large slice. Then draw yourself a bath, turn on your video, and you and I are going to talk about absolutely anything but work. Sound like a plan?” I inquire.

“That depends,” Ella replies slyly. “Are you actually asking or is this another order?”

“What do you think?” I laugh, missing her so much my c.hest hurts.

“I think you’re a bossy tyrant.” She answers tartly.

But I miss you, so Ill be good just this once.”

Fifteen minutes later her camera clicks on, and I’m granted with the sight of my glorious, n.aked mate in a steaming bubble bath, a h.uge slab of chocolate cake resting on the edge of the tub. I scour her beautiful face, frowning at the dark circles looming against her pale skin. Ella looks as though she’s running herself ragged – worse, she looks drawn and anxious. In that instant, I know that this is more than stress oI exhaustion and I’m furious with myself for not doing this sooner.

“Alright, baby. Time to come clean.” My wolf’s instincts are screaming that something is very wrong here. “What’s really going on with you?”

Ella flushes and averts her eyes, a clear sign of deceit. “This is all just harder than I expected.” She says quietly. “Not that I expected any of it really. I just miss you, and working with the refugees is so wonderful – it feels so right, but it’s hard. It’s really hard.”

I tsk gently, hating the fact that she’s on a screen and not in front of me. “I believe it. But we both know that’s not all.”I press, and part of me imagines I can feel her tension even at this great distance. Ella sets her jaw, and I can tell she’s determined to stay silent. “Come on, talk to me, mate. Let me help.”

She shakes her head. “Im fine. Just tired and wishing you were here.” I let a heavy silence hang between us, and when I don’t say anything, she peeks up at me from beneath her lashes. “Why?

Did someone say something?”

My wolf sits up at attention. “Why? What would they have said?” I growl forebodingly.

Ella squirms beneath the bubbles, and I increase the force of my growl, trying to send all my power and dominance through the phone. I wasn’t sure it would work, but Ella shudders instinctively. Shè’s still fighting me, but I don’t let up, and eventually she breaks. “I lied to you!” She finally bursts, tears flooding her eyes.

“What about?” I ask, trying to keep my voice even.

“I haven’t been missing our dream dates because I’m tired.” She sniffles. “Ive been having really bad nightmares ever since I remembered my wolf being bound. I don’t even have a chance to try to go to you because the moment I close my eyes the bad dreams come and then I spend half the night trying to avoid going back to sleep but I never succeed and then it just happens all over again.”

Her voice is shaky and her l!ps quiver dangerously. “And I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry and I made Phil!ppe promise not to tell either – so of course he’s pissed at me.

And your recording helps but it’s not the same as having you here…and the worst part of all is that every time it happens it upsets the baby and I don’t know how to make it stop!”

As usual, my wolf goes to pieces at the sound of her tears, and I can’t even bring myself to be angry for the secret. “Sweetheart, it’s okay.” I croon, and my arms reach for her even though I know she’s not really here. A purr takes up in my c.hest, as she buries her face in her hands and begins to sob.

Ella, I’m not mad. Please don’t cry.” I beg. “We’ll figure this out. We’ll make it stop. If I have to follow you into your dreams and drag you back to safety, I will.”

She lifts her head meekly, “Is that even possible?”

“Nothing is impossible when it comes to us, baby.”

I promise, “Not even the goddess will keep me from you now that I know – mark my words. When you go to bed tonight I’ll be waiting, and wherever your dreams take you, Il come. I promise I’ll find you – no matter what”

 

Chapter 195

When I arrive in the dream forest, I’m alone – as I have been almost every night since I left.

However, rather than calling for my mate as I usually do, by picturing her in my mind and willing her to come to me with the sheer force of my longing and determination, I send my power outward. I unleash the full force of my magic, spreading it as far and wide as I can, searching every inch of this enchanted plane of existence. It rolls off of me like a dense fog, ebbing past the limits of my own consciousness to delve through the mating bond and track Ella.

Dreams are strange this way: both closer to and more distant from reality, so that our souls can join when the Goddess’s power is at its peak, even as doors to fantastical and surreal worlds swing wide. I don’t know where my mate is, but as long as she is also in the realm of dreams, I know I can find her.

It isn’t easy. It takes what feels like hours to finally sense her presence, to detect her heartbeat across the vast expanse of ethereal worlds. Finally I find her, though she is very, very far away. To reach her I must travel through dozens of different dreams: some my own, some Ella’s, Some a combination of both. It’s hard not to pause and get distracted, especially when I come across a shared imagination of us playing with our young son, ol the depiction of peace in the united packs and our future on the throne. I’d like to stay in those fantasies forever, but to do so would be to abandon Ella in her time of need.

I also struggle when I come across a sensual vision of Ella and I roleplaying as little red riding hood and the big bad wolf, especially when I realize the dream is hers. Still I forge on, though I certainly make note of the idea for the future.

There are odd things too, like the giant frog telling fortunes for a call-in psychic hotline, or the pirate ship full of ballet-dancing vegetables. Others simply make me smile, like Ella’s craving-driven fantasy of

a real-life candy land, or my own childhood wish of riding a dragon as it flies through the air on great leathery wings.

Eventually I move through every variation of happy and bizarre dreams, until the sky darkens overhead and the road I’m traveling becomes harsh and cold. I know I’m entering the realm of nightmares now, and I brace myself for the horrors ahead. I ignore the haunting visions that tormented me as a child – the fire that k!lled my mother, the monsters hiding in my closet. I even manage to move past Ella’s youthful terrors – things that would absolutely destroy me if I had to see them for myself.

Her heartbeat and scent dràw me deeper and deeper into the darkness, until I can feel her just around the next bend in the path. I expect to find my mate at the mercy of the priests who bound her wolf, but suddenly I find myself in a forest I know all too well – the one where I spent the best days of my childhood. Only this time it’s not welcoming and magical, but a vile place full of terror and pain. When my mate finally comes into view, she is not a small girl wrapped in a fiery cocoon. Instead I see a half- starved teenager, injured and dirty, but fighting for her life as two human men bear down on her.

My wolf roars in my ears, and my vision goes red.

Ella

I’m back in the forest.. wolves howling in the distance… pounding footsteps hot on my heels.

Falling, tumbling… crashing into the earth over and over again.

It’s happening all over again, the panting breath, the sickening smiles. “Now look at what you’ve done, you stupid girl.”

Two robed figures in the darkness, illuminated in a shaft of moonlight between the trees. Searing pain across my cheek… the horrible kn0wledge that there is no escape from this violation.

Sickness… my body being dragged. a glint of silver in the leaves. My legs being wrenched apart and my clothes ripping… blind, thoughtless anger, aggression like I’ve never felt. Blood gushing over me, hot, sticky and metallic. It stains my skin, forever marking me like a grey tattoo, a reminder of what I’ve done.

Murderer… I’m a murderer… and the priests are still just watching. I try to swing the knife again, only this time my hand is empty. The dagger is gone. I scour the ground for my weapon, but it’s gone. I look toward the priests as the second man bears down on me. “The knife!” I shout frantically. “

Where did it go!?”

This isn’t right. In my memory I k!lled them both..I saved myself despite the cost of violence. The priests stay silent, and now the other man is forcing his way between my legs. No! Not this.. not after everything that’s already happened. “Please, help me!” I scream, giving up any sense of pride, any b.ravery. “Please, don’t let him do this!”

A fist slams into my face, “I’m going to make you pay for this, b!tch.” My attacker snarls, gesturing to his dead friend.

“No – please!” I cry, “it wasn’t supposed to happen this way, you should be dead.”

“Well now you get to die.” His face comes into focus over mine, and I can see the pure, sadistic hatred in his eyes. His fingers dig into my flesh, holding me still as he unbuckles his belt. He lashes the leather across my face as it comes free, then uses it to gag me, silencing my screams.

“Ella!” A voice I’ve never heard… not yet at least. It’s deep and wonderful and fills me with warmth, completely out of place in this horrible place. And then there’s a great black wolf running towards me through the trees, and I understand. My attacker barely has time to turn before Sinclair clamps his fangs around his throat, ripping his spinal cord from his neck and tossing him aside. He shoves the dead man out of the way, and then he’s a man again, dropping onto his knees in front of me.

Sinclair takes my face in his hands, “I’m here, Ella.

You’re okay.”

“D-Domìnic?” I gasp, clinging to him with desperate relief. “Is it really you?”

“Yes, little one” He confirms, though his eyes look past me, to the robed figures in the distance. “It’s me. You’re safe”

“How did you find me?” I squeak, still in the hoarse voice of my younger self.

“Im your mate. Il always find you, remember?”

Sinclair croons.

He scoops me up into his arms and carries me back the way he came. As we move through the dreamland, the horrible forest of my nightmare slowly transforms. Gone is the bl00d and horror, the unwelcoming darkness that tormented me so terribly. It’s gradually replaced by the glittering woodland of our dream dates, and I feel myself changing too. No longer an injured, frightened little girl, but the woman I am today. I don’t know how long it takes, but Sinclair carries me all the way to our dream bed and climbs on, pulling me into his lap, “There now. I’ve got you, baby. It’s Over.

I can’t believe this. I didn’t really believe Sinclair could follow me through dreams, let alone understand how such a thing was possible. But that doesn’t matter now. The moment I feel his muscular arms around me, breathe in his scent, and feel the rumble of his purrs, I unravel. I collapse against him and pour out all the emotions I’ve been grappling with these past weeks – all the horror, fear and pain. All the confusion, helplessness, and guilt. If I had control of myself I might try to hold some of it back from Sinclair, but I’m beyond that sort of limitation now. Everything is pouring through our bond, and I can feel his sorrow, Iage and love rushing back towards me.

He rocks me back and forth, k!ssing and petting me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I cling to him like a raft in stormy seas, and for the first time since that first terrible hypnosis session, I feel as though I’m not completely adrift. Why couldn’t he have been there all those years ago?

Why did I have to wait so long before having this man in my life? When my tears have finally slowed and my breathing steadies, I look up at him, “

Thank you.” I profess hoarsely. “I don’t know how you did it, but thank you.”

His thumbs brush my tears away, and he nuzzles my nose with his own before pressing a tender k!ss to my l!ps. There’s comfort in his touch, but also despair, and when we part I see tears in his eyes.”Don’t ever hide something like this from me again, Ella.” It’s not a scolding, or even an admonishment, the words are full of worry and sadness.

“Im sorry, I should have told you sooner.”I confess, leaning my we.t face into the curve of his neck while he caresses my belly. “If I’d known… I never imagined you’d be able to fix it, I thought it would only make things harder for you.”

“Im not just here to fix problems, mate.” He purrs.

And if they’re harder for you, they’re harder for me.

Haven’t you been telling me I don’t get to share the good and keep the bad all for myself? That goes both ways.”

“I’m sorry.” I say again, feeling chastised even though there was no bite in his words. “I know we talked about this… I think I’m still just having a hard time with it.”

“These things don’t go away overnight just because we talked about them. They take work – time and effort for both of us.” He pauses, searching my features in a way that makes me squirm. “But Ella, what

was that dream?”

I shudder, not able to look him in the eye. “It wasn’t a dream, it was a memory.”

 

Chapter 196

“What do you mean, it was a memory?” Sinclair asks carefully. “I thought the priests came to you in the orphanage? I don’t remember anything about humans attacking you in the woods.”

I stare at my lap, cradling my belly and trying to figure out how to explain my deceit. I knew this conversation was inevitable -I even prepared for it, but these are not the circ.umstances I expected. I didn’t imagine I would be so emotionally fragile, or that Sinclair would be wrapped around me purring, fresh off of rescuing me from a traumatic nightmare. I thought I would be able to present my case and apologize, acknowledging my wrong doing with confidence and strength of conviction.

Now I fear it’s going to tumble out as a mess of excuses and tangled feelings.

“Ella?” Sinclair presses, his voice taking on a dominant tone.

When I finally look up at him, tears pour from my lashes. “Ive still been doing the hypnosis.” I confess, my l!ps quivering with every word. “I went behind your back and convinced the others to help me.”

Sinclair’s glowing emerald eyes bore into me as me.”

Sinclair’s glowing emerald eyes bore into me as his jaw clenches tight, the muscles twitching dangerously. I open my mind to him, showing him everything that happened through our bond, both the lead up to the second session and the events we uncovered through the ether. I even show him the conversation afterwards, not wanting to hold anything back now that the game is up.

Slowly, carefully, Sinclair sets my body away from his, even as I try to cling to hìm. “No, please don’t leave, Dominic.”

“Im not leaving.” He assures me gruffly. “I just need to think a minute and I can’t do that clearly when you’re snuggled up giving me those puppy dog eyes.”

I sniffle, and I can feel his wolf’s continued agitation over me tears, even as the possessive Alpha struggles with his temper. I Wrap my arms around my knees, clamping my hand over my wrist in a death grip so Il stay still. I’m finding it very difficult not to squirm in the face of my mate’s disapproval.

Sinclair paces back and forth, growling wordlessly as he works through his thoughts. He doesn’t let me feel his emotions, but a few slip out, giving me flashes of anger, frustration and… heart wrenching disappointment. I’m shocked at how powerfully the last affects me. I’ve heard people who grew up in happy families say that disappointment can be worse than anger, something I’ve never understood until this moment. I didn’t believe anything could be more họrrible than the violence and pain wrought by a perSon’s rage, I didn’t realize how different things are when love is involved.. when a person is your entire world and you let them down. I start to cry again, and hide my face in my knees so he can’t see my tears.

After a moment his footsteps fall silent, and I lift my face to find my mate looming above me, a cold expression on his face. “What am I supposed to say to this Ella?”

“Whatever you like.” I croak. “Whatever you’re thinking, whatever you’re feeling. I know I was wrong.”

“Do you?” He counters roughly. “Because it seemed to me you were so convinced you were right you were willing to betray my trust. To ask my family, friends and guards to do the same.”

“Not wrong for doing it, wrong for lying about it, hiding it.” I amend softly. Let me out. My wolf begs.

I need to make it up to him. Let me show him how sorry I am.

Not yet. I caution her. We need to have this out first.

“What did you think would happen?” Sinclair asks, crossing his arms over his c.hest. “That you’d uncover the secret to Winning the war and that would excuse what you did? That you could come to me when I got home, tell me everything you learned and be forgiven?”

I shake my head, absolutely miserable. “I just needed to know. We needed to know. But I don’t believe it excuses anything.”

“You didn’t even give me a chance to agree.”

Sinclair bites, and even though he’s furious, he doesn’t seem to be able to resist touching me. He slides his powerful hand around my nape, applying gentle pressure that somehow steadies and thrills me.

“I did,” I insist, l!cking my l!ps. “I tried to talk to you but you wouldn’t listen.”

“You didn’t,” he corrects firmly, stroking the side of my neck with his thumb – pure dominant affection. “Not the way you talked to the others, you assumed I couldn’t be objective about you.”

A flash of defiance sparks in my c.hest, and I notch my chin up, trying to match his scowl. “Was I wrong?”

I can feel his wolf fighting for control, and in the next moment he’s pulling me up onto my knees.

No, damn you. You weren’t.” He rumbles, dragging me into his arms and claiming my mouth in a searing k!ss. I don’t resist, I throw my arms around his neck and let myself be taken. His hands are rough on my body, and so are his l!ps. Sinclair nips my lower l!p with his fangs and takes advantage of my gasp, sliding his tongue into my mouth. His big hand stays locked on my nape, holding me in place for his conquest, tilting my head this way and that. He grumbles and growls, and I shudder in reply, not caring what else happens, as long as he keeps k!ssing me this way.

Before long I’m breathless and overwhelmed with liquid heat. When Sinclair pulls back, I try to follow him and whimper in disappointment when he doesn’t let me. “I won’t lie to you, mate.” He remarks huskily, our breath mingling.”This has hurt us. How am I supposed to trust you again?”

I shrug, even though this devastates me. “Isn’t that the choice you made when you left? To have me safe and hating you, rather than happy and dead?”

I inquire. “I chose to lose your trust and help the war, rather than keep it and hinder our efforts.”

Sinclair sighs, stroking my spine in long, soothing lines. “Hugo was right.” He says, baffling me.

We’re two sides of the same coin, you and I.”

“Of course we are.” I answer, nudging his nose with my own. “we’re mates. If I have to deal with you being stubborn and impoşsible and infuriatingly self-sacrificing, it’s only fitting that you have to deal with the same from me. I’m your just desserts, Alpha.”

The corner of Sinclair’s mouth quirks upward. “Are you calling me names little wolf? Don’t you think you’re in enough trouble as it is?”

“I figure that if I’m going to do a thing, I might as well go all in.” I reply, offering him a shy smile.

Though I do have plenty of other names in mind for you.”

“Mhmm, and what are those?” He inquires, sliding his hand over my bottom and squeezing. It’s both sensual promise and threat, but all that matters is the hungry look in his eyes, all signs of anger and distress replaced with desire.

“Bossy,” I begin, pausing to nibble his jaw.

Overprotective, possessive, tyrannical, bl00dthirsty, unreasonable…” I k!ss or nip a new sp0t with every word, moving down his neck and over his c.hest, delighting in the warning sounds from his wolf. Just when I sense he’s about to pounce, I look up at him and let all my love rush through our bond. “Brave,” I offer, k!ssing his muscular abs, “Noble.. ” k!ss, “cunning,” nip,” powerful…” l!ck, “passionate,” I

unb.utton his sleek black trousers. “Gorgeous, se.xy, generous to a fault.” I slide his pants down his legs. “My absolute heart and soul. The best man I’ve ever known. The only one I ever want.”

Sinclair catches my hands before I can take his hardness in my palm, pulling me back up to eye level. He k!sses me again, and my pulse races with excitement – every bit as feverish and exhilarating as the first time. “Thank you, baby.”

I’m surprised to hear his deep voice hoarse with emotion, and I realize how hard this distance has been on him as well.

“Has it been horrible, waiting for me every night and me never coming?” I ask anxiously.

“I don’t want to talk about that right now.” Sinclair informs me, with pure authority. “As far as I’m concerned we can deal with all that when I’m back.

But right now I just want to be with my mate.” He brushes my hair back from my face with both hands, cupping my cheeks. “Are you recovered enough, from your nightmare?”

I nod, reaching again for the hard member pressing into my tummy. He stops me again of course, giving me a sharp look. I huff “Yes, Dominic. You made it all okay – you always do.”

“Good, because I have some words for you too, trouble.” Sinclair informs me darkly, laying me out on the bed in front of him. He’s got that wolfish look in his eye, the one that tells me I’m in for a long night at my mate’s mercy. The one that tells me he’s barely in control, and all I can do is hold on and try to survive the pleasure. “Let’s start with brilliant..” he str!ps off my nightdress. “Beautiful…”

He traces the line of my curves. “Courageous…” k!ss, “sweet,” nibble, “fvcking delectable,” l!ck, “… and very, very naughty.”

 

Chapter 197

When I wake up the next morning, I feel better rested than I have in weeks. For the first time since I started hypnosis, Phil!ppe hasn’t had to charge in during the middle of the night to wake me from my night terrors. Simply being able to connect with my mate did wonders for my state of mind, and even though our lovemaking was reserved for our dreams, my body is sated and satisfied.

Even though I just saw Sinclair, my heart leaps when my phone rings a moment later, and I pull the device from it’s charger. “Good morning my love.” I greet him, beaming.

“Good morning, gorgeous.” His handsome face fills the screen, still drowsy from sleep. “How are you feeling?”

“A thousand times better.” I admit, because not only did he save me from my nightmares, but the weight of my lies are finally off my shoulders. I run my hand over my belly, checking in with our pup.

Rafe is happy too, he’s been missing you as much as I have”

“I’m glad you’re both feeling better,” He rumbles, ” though I have to tell you, you’re not going to be happy with me in a moment.”

“Why?” I ask nervousły, sitting up. A thousand possibilities run through my mind, though I have a sneaking suspicion I know where this is going.

“Because I’ve called a meeting with your co- conspirators.” Sinclair reveals, a note of foreboding in his deep voice.

“But Dominic, it wasn’t their fault.” I object. “I’m the one who convinced them and to be fair, without you here I outrank all of them.. except Gabriel.” I amend. “So they were just following orders.”

Sinclair gives me a sardonic look. “I hate to break it to you trouble, but as incredible and strong as you are, your wolf has only been awake for a month – there are children with more experienced animals. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t outrank anybody yet.”

“Im their Luna.” I counter defiantly, deeply affronted that he’s undervaluing my agency in my own scheme.

“You are, and you and I are going to have our own reckoning when Im home.” He promises ominously, “But for now, we all need to get on the same page.

Muttering mutinously, I slide out of bed. “When is this meeting?” I snap after a moment, deciding not to voice some of the more colorful insults in my mind aloud.

“Half an hour, in Gabriel’s chambers.” Sinclair shares, a familiar glint in his green eyes. “Now, would you like to spend that time grumbling at me, or would like to sneak in some fun before the day gets away from us?”

“That depends.” I huff, thinking that I’d quite like to continue grumbling. “What kind of fun?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking of the show you gave me the other day.” Sinclair shares, sending a crimson blush to my cheeks as I recall pleasuring myself on our last video call. “And how beautifully you lost control, even if you were defying me every step of the way.”

I smother a shiver, “And?” I squeak, already excited and having to clench my th!ghs together to relieve the ache at their center. My annoyance and trepidation about the meeting is gone, replaced only with e.rotic interest – which is exactly what the wiley wolf intended.

“And since I’m such a generous mate, I thought I might give you the chance to redeem yourself.”

Sinclair bares his fangs, all predator now. “By doing exactly what I tell you to do, no matter how scandalous it sounds..” His words trail off into a low growl, and I swear my se.x spasms as if it’s already on the verge of climax. “You’ll follow my orders exactly, so that even though it will be your own hands, it will feel like I’m the one playing your sweet body like a fiddle – and I’m going to watch every moment.”

“Okay,” I gulp, trying to get control of my pounding heart.

“Good girl. Now prop the phone on the table by the bed and make sure I can see you.” He instructs, his voice like rough velvet. “Then take off your nightgown, and lie down.”

“And then?” I breathe, already obeying.

“Then wait for my instructions..”

Forty minutes later I careen into Gabriel’s chambers, freshly dressed but still weak kneed from our video call. Sinclair was as good as his word – unsurprisingly – and spent nearly the full half hour before the meeting ordering me to pleasure myself for his enjoyment, and Goddess was it hot! I never thought I would enjoy that sort of thing, but I’m wondering if I don’t have a small exhibitionist streak when it comes to my mate.

I’m sure the wolves in this room can sense my over -excited vital signs, not to mention smell my lingering ar0usal. Part of me wonders if Sinclair doesn’t take some sort of twisted pleasure in showing off his se.xual prowess this way, or if perhaps this is just part of my punishment. Either way, I veer into the meeting ten minutes late, and take a seat at the table.

Sinclair’s face is already on a large computer screen, and his hawkish eyes follow me the moment I enter the room. They linger on me for a long moment after I sit down, before he turns his attention to my companions. “So, I’ll get straight to the point,” He begins gruffly. “I know that you’ve all been helping Ella continue to do hypnosis sessions. I know about the second memory she uncovered, and that she hasn’t slept in weeks because of the nightmares.”

Henry, Roger, Gabriel and Phil!ppe all exchange wary glances, before turning their attention to me.

I sink down in my chair, feeling like a child sent to the principals office – only there are four principals and they’re all lethal predators. “I didn’t know about any nightmares.” Henry states in concern. Roger and Gabriel murmur in agreement, and Phil!ppe glowers as I confess that only he knew.

“No, only Phil!ppe knew and I swore him to secrecy.” Their gazes swing to my guard, full of accusation, so I add, “I didn’t give him a choice.”

“There’s always a choice.” Henry says gravely, and guilt fills me as I see the shame in my guard’s eyes.

“This isn’t about blame.” Sinclair interrupts. “Ella and I have talked and well sort matters between us when I come home. I also know it wasn’t easy for her to convince you, and I know why you agreed.” he reveals, sounding resigned. “Im more concerned with how we move forward.”

I look up, not quite believing my ears. It almost sounds as though he’s going to let us continue, but that can’t be right.. can it?

“I know my mate well enough to realize that once she’s set her mind on something there isn’t any stopping her – at least not when I’m so far away.”

He adds with a note of warning. “So I want to make sure that the future sessions are safe and healthy. I want to know when they’re happening and how they go, as well as any new information that’s discovered.”

“Dominic,” Henry sighs, “Im sorry we kept this from you, and though we did feel it was worth the risk, I’m sorry we didn’t pick up on how badly it was troubling Ella.” He reaches over and squeezes my hand, looking at me with obvious worry.

“Thank you,” Sinclair nods, and I realize that though he certainly blames me for not speaking up about my bad dreams, he also blames them for not noticing what was obvious to him from thousands of miles away.

“But son, you have enough going on without adding these updates and reports to your plate.

Henry continues. “I can assure you that we’ll keep a sharper eye going forward and relieve some of the other stresses Ella is dealing with. Then we can update you with everything when you’re back.”

Not for the first time, I feel a bit indignant to have all these men talking about me as though I’m not in the room, but I also understand this is part of being a she-wolf. All these bossy Alphas view me as part of their pack, and though the independent woman in me feels offended, the orphan who grew up with no one giving a damn about her feels oddly touched. “No.” Sinclair counters, not willing to budge an inch. “Im not happy about any of this, so I’ll be damned if I’m going to stay in the dark about it.”

“That’s fair.” Gabriel acknowledges. “And I think I speak for us all when I say that we do regret the subterfuge, and for not taking better care of your Luna.” The others mumble their agreement.

“There’s another thing.” Sinclair continues, “Ella, I expect you to go through Leon’s suggested therapy after your sessions, and I want you all to make sure she does it.”

My jaw drops, “What?”

“You heard me, little mate.” He rumbles. “That point is not up for debate. If you’re going to do this, you’re going to do it safely.”

If I could shoot daggers with my eyes, my mate would certainly be dead. Still, he stares me down and growls until my wolf is trembling and tucking her tail between her legs. “Fine.”

“Good.” Sinclair approves, “Now, I’d like a word with Phil!ppe in private.”

My heart sinks as I look at my guard. “Dominic -“

“No.” Phil!ppe, objects, holding up a hand to stop me. “It’s okay, Ella. I answer to my Alpha, and I knew what I was risking.”

“But -“

“Come on, Ella.” Henry encourages, leading me from the room. Still, I can’t help but look back over my shoulder at my guard. The door closes behind us, and the last thing I see is my mate’s enraged face scowling out of the computer screen.

 

Chapter 198

I pace back and forth outside Gabriel’s chambers, absolutely beside myself over Phil!ppe’s fate. I have the worst feeling that Sinclair is going to fire or demote the guard because of my actions, and I’m already preparing a furious speech to deliver to my mate if he does so. I can’t hear a single word of their conversation because the King’s chambers are soundproofed – a luxury I decide Sinclair and I should definitely invest in when we return home.

The waiting is horrible, but eventually my faithful guard emerges, looking thoroughly dejected. I can’t stop myself from racing up to him with man energy. “Did he demote you? Is he still on the call –I’ll talk to him-“

“Woah,” He catches me by the shoulders. “It’s okay, Ella. He didn’t demote me, he just did a lot of yelling”

“Im so sorry.” I profess wringing my hands.

“Don’t be.” Phil!ppe says evenly, staring me straight in the eye so I can see the honesty in his expression. “You were right. Being someone’s guard is a really intimate relationship. You have to trust me with your very life, with all your secrets

He sighs, shaking his head. “Most people get to choose their guards but you didn’t pick me, you didn’t even know who I was when Dominic a.ssigned me to you.”

“So?” I protest, still feeling indignant on his behalf.

“So it’s right that I should have to prove myself to you.” He chuckles. “Trust has to be earned.”

Phil!ppe pauses, giving me an assessing look. “But I have to tell you that if it had gone on much longer. I don’t think I could’ve kept it up.. part of protecting you means looking out for your health and well-

being even when you don’t want me to do it. You weren’t doing well and I’m glad Dominic got through to you. I don’t want to be in that position again.”

“I respect that.” I reply contritely. “And Ill try to do better.” I promise, wondering if my sudden urge to explain myself is actually to help him understand, or to make myself feel better. I have a terrible sense that it’s the latter, but I forge ahead anyway as we begin walking down the opulent corridor.”

These last few months have gone by in such a whirlwind. My entire life is different now and I’m still struggling to catch up.”

“It’s so strange to me that I matter to people now..three and a half months ago I was alone in the World. I had my sister and no one else. And now I’m à wolf and I’m going to be a mother, and I have a mate and a pack, and I’m in charge of a world I didn’t know existed, and I’m in the middle of a war, and I might even have parents out there somewhere.” I know I’m rambling, and Goddess love Phil!ppe for standing beside me and listening without judgment. “I love it, but it’s still hard. I’m still suffering major growing pains… maybe most of all when it comes to being part of a pack and not just being a lone wolf anymore.” I confess, wincing.

When I look over I find Phil!ppe watching me closely. He leans back on his heels, pursing his l!ps. “Is that part of why you’re so intent on continuing the hypnosis?”

“Which part?” I inquire, not even sure about all the words I just blurted out.

“The fact that your parents might be out there somewhere.” Phil!ppe clarifies, “I don’t think any of us… I mean we all realized you’d been left with the humans and that the Goddess was involved, but I think maybe we were so distracted by how amazing it all is that we didn’t consider what it might mean for a woman who probably spent her entire childhood praying that her parents might turn up one day and tell her it had all been a mistake”

My eyes widen, and suddenly I feel very vulnerable. I wrap my arms around myself. “What orphan doesn’t have those fantasies?” I shrug.”

Cora and I used to say our parents were spies working together on a top secret project for the government and that they’d had to leave us in the orphanage for our safety. But they left us together so we wouldn’t have to be alone.” I smile at the bittersweet memory. “But we grew up… and we realized that we just weren’t wanted. We weren’t any more special than any of the abandoned kids in that horrible place.”

Phil!ppe is still watching me, and I realize I haven’t answered him. “I think it’s part of it.” I confess. “Ive been saying I have to find out where I came from – which is true. But in my brain finding out where I came from is one in the same as finding out who my parents were and why they left me.” I chafe my arms, feeling suddenly cold. “

And maybe that’s why I’ve kept Cora out of it too.. because for the first time since I was eight, I feel like there’s hope I might find the answers… and that’s not a chance she has.”

He nods. “It’s funny the things that can motivate us without us even realizing it.” He observes.

That’s why therapy is so useful.”

“Oh come on.” I gr0an, thinking of my mate’s edict.

“Not you too!”

Phil!ppe raises his hands in self defense, “hey, I’m just following my orders.”

“Suuurre.” I deride, throwing my arms up. “That’s what they all say.”

Two days later I’m back in the sitting room with Leon, Henry, and my small audience of babysitters.

They’ve all agreed to leave Leon and me in private for the therapy session following today’s ether trip – a fact the therapist was only too smug about- but for now they’ve all piled into the room to show support.

The drug is already taking hold of me, but this time I don’t need any guidance from Leon to travel into the past. As soon as the walls come down in my mind, I’m taken even farther into my memories than I’ve gone before.

I’m six years old, and for the first time ever, I have a visitor.

The headmaster didn’t tell me who the strange lady is, or why she’s here so late at night, but she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. The strange thing is that I find it hard to take in all of her features at once. I can only focus on one aspect at a time, and when I do I get so lost in the feature that it feels impossible to look away.

She has long gold hair, so starkly metallic and luminous that it looks like strands of pure starlight. Her eyes are wide and dark, and if I look closely enough, I swear there are whole galaxies swirling in her inky irises. Her limbs are long and willowy, and with the way the shadows ebb and sway around her, I can’t be sure where they end.

Her skin is fairer than any I’ve ever Seen, and it seems to glow like mother of pearl. She wears a dress of gentle white fabric that reminds me of clouds, and being near her gives me the strangest surge of energy. I’m finding it hard not to bounce off the walls, but I know grown ups get mad when kids get hyper and then bad things happen.

“Did you hear me, Ella?” She asks in a voice that is both musical and soft like a summer breeze.

“Oh.” I peek up at her face, feeling dizzy when all her stunning features combine. “No, sorry. I’s distracted.”

“That’s okay.” She assures me gently, and my tense muscles relax. “I came to tell you a story.”

“Really?” I ask in awe. The only stories I ever hear are from bigger kids, and they’re usually not nice-“

Is it a nice story?”

“In some ways.” She answers, tilting her head. “In some others it’s sad, but it’s a story you need to hear all the same.”

“Why?” I inquire, in the way of all curious children.

“Because one day you’ll need to remember it, so you can find your way back home.” She informs me, with more patience than I’ve ever seen in a grown up.

“Okay” I consent, not really sure what’s coming.

“Would you like to sit in my lap?” She offers, “I think maybe you find it hard to look at me.”

I nod shyly, though less because I want to stop enjoying her beauty, than because I want to experience what it’s like to be held – just once. I’m not really sure how to go about it, but she plucks me up into her arms and settles me in her lap. Her body is warm and cool at once, reminding me of a light in the darkness. no, not just any light but moonlight.

 

Chapter 199

“Before the world existed, before there were planets or stars or even dust, there was only darkness, The darkness was ruled by a god of creation, an all-powerful celestial being the universe dreamed up to rule the heavens. He existed in quiet solitude for millennia, exploring the farthest reaches of his domain, never tiring, never asking for more.” The strange woman began.

“But didn’t he want thìngs, like friends? Or a puppy?”I ask excitedly, feeling uncommonly bold.

I’m leaning back against my visitors c.hest, running my small hands through her shiny hair and wondering at the way it makes my fingers glow and zing with electricity.

“Well that’s a good question. If you didn’t know that friends or puppies existed, would you long for them?” She asks, not the least bit bothered by my interruption.

I scrunch my face up in confusion, trying to work out this puzzle. “I guess not. You can’t want something if you don’t knows that it exists. But I think I’d feel lonely”

“And so did he. she confirms, “though he didn’t realize it at the time. But the universe knew, it had willed this God into being so that he might create but he wasn’t creating anything at all He needed a partner inspiration. So the universe dreamed up another magic, one that would be the perfect balance to his own powers, and one that would need someone to watch over it too”

“What was it?” I ask eagerly

“Can you guess?” The woman asks, “What is the opposite of darkness”

“Light!” I exclaim, with barely a thought. I’ve moved past her hair to toy with the fabric of her dress, but my hands seem to move right through it like fog.

“Very good.” She praises, filling me with warmth.

So one daylight appeared, and it shattered the God’s endless darkness. He didn’t know what was happening, only that everything was suddenly different… more magical. He went searching, and he came upon a goddess of light. When he saw her, he realized what he’d been missing for so long, and he instantly fell in love.” Emotion is heavy in her voice, though I don’t understand why. “She loved him too, and together they created entire worlds: galaxies full to bursting with life, every one different and special in its own way.”

“Galaxies likę in space?” I inquire, wanting to make sure I’ve got the information right.

“Galaxies like in space.” She confirms, “like this planet we’re on right now, it’s part of a galaxy, and it was one of their creations one of their favorites. Because you see, creating worlds takes practice. Each had its own magic, but some were more special than others. And on this one they learned to create animals and people and even a few beings in between. Now, these gods never asked to be worshiped, but their Creations could feel their magic coursing through their veins, and so they gave them names.”

“I like naming things.” I offer, running my fingers over her glimmering skin.

“So do I.” The woman expresses fondly. “The humans called the gods of creations by many different names, but wolves, they had sharper senses. They could feel the source of magic in the world, and so they named the Goddess of light after their moon.”

“What about the dark god?” I ask curiously, pausing in my explorations to look up at her glorious face.

“Well you see, that’s the trouble… they couldn’t feel his power as strongly. They thought the darkness was a curse broken by the light, when really they were two halves of the same whole. So the wolves didn’t give him a name, they forgot to worship him. Instead they feared and reviled him. Over time he became jealous of the one they called the Moon Goddess. He began to punish their creations, to haunt and torment them, to make them frightened and do things they shouldn’t.” She explains sorrowfully.

“That’s naughty.” I decide, not liking the sounds of this at all.

“It is.” She agrees, “and the more time that passed, the worse things became. Eventually the humans did find a name for him, but it was no relief, for they called him a devil. It wasn’t fair. He’d given everything to their creations, and they despised him. So his heart grew shriveled and cold, until the only thing he had left was his other half, but he sensed her slipping away too. You see, after so long being alone, he’d finally felt the joy of love, of sharing his immortal life with another. But she didn’t like what he was doing, and the more their creations called on her, the lonelier he felt. He began to fear that eventually she might forget him in favor of her worshippers

“It wasn’ her fault she was busy.” I defend, “I don’ think she woulda forgotten.”

“She wouldn’t.” The woman responds decisively. “

Not ever. But the damage was done. Fear and loneliness are powerful forces, and one day he decided it would be better to destroy their greatest creation. I do not know if he meant it as a punishment or a test, or a desperate plea, but he put the events in motion to make it happen.”

“How?” I question, deeply upset by the thought of losing this story world.

“Well, these Gods decided not to interfere directly with their creations – so that they’d be free. At most they could send messages and signs, try to steer their beings in one direction or another.

And for centuries he’d been spreading discord between the humans and shifters, instilling them with so much of his own fear and anger, that he made it impossible for them to live side by side. It wasn’t always this way, you see. Once they lived in harmony, but before long the wolves went into hiding, building secret societies alongside the human ones. Still the god of darkness continued to sew rage and despair, such that it became clear that if the humans were to find out about the wolves, such a terrible war would be unleashed, that they would all perish.”

“Tha’s terrible.” I object. “I don’ think I like this story.”

“Just hang in there little one, there’s hope.” She encourages, petting my hair and making me sigh with delight. “Because the light Goddess saw what he was up to, and she knew she had to act. She knew that she needed help, a source of her own magic on earth, someone who could bring together the humans and wolves, a bridge to connect them in harmony.”

“Who’s that?” I question in wonder.

“Well, it had to be someone very strong, someone who could survive a lot of very hard things in order to become the person they needed to be.”

She shares, sounding almost sad now. “And one day not so long ago, there was a King from a very long and powerful wolf bl00dline, but he was struggling to make an heir with his queen. He wanted to continue his royal line, but she just wanted a child to love. She had a heart even more powerful than his magic, and one night she prayed to the Moon Goddess to grant her a babe. And can you imagine her surprise when the Goddess appeared herself?”

“That would be… a lot.” I a.ssess, nodding.

“She was shocked.” The woman laughs. “But she bowed down and offered her tributes and blessings, and only then did she make her request.

At first, when the Goddess told her she would have a child – a daughter- she broke down into joyous tears. But as hard as it was, the Goddess had to tell her the truth, that the child would not be entirely hers. It would share the courageous bl00d of her husband the king, the loving heart of her mother, and the celestial power of the Goddess herself.

Worst yet, she would have to give her up.”

“But why?” I demand, feeling strangely near tears. “I -if she wanted her, then why she have to give her up?

“Because to unite humans and wolves this child had to be part of both worlds. She had to grown up knowing what it meant to be a human. To feel powerless and afraid, and like there wasn’t magic in the world. But she also had to find her own magic when the time was right so she could be accepted by the wolves.”

But she should be with her Mommy and Daddy.” I say again, my own longing for parents outraging me for this imaginary child.

“She should.” The woman agrees, “if she were not so important, she should have grown up with all three of her parents. King, she-wolf, and Goddess.

But she was. She was important, and so sacrifices had to be made.”

“I thought you said this was a nice story.” I sniffle, outraged.

“I said there was hope.” She corrects me. “And there is. That hope is you Ella.”

“Me?”I hiccup.

“Yes, little one,” She confirms. “Because one day, you’ll grow up, and you’ll fall in love and have a baby of your own. And you’ll remember this. You’ll remember that you have parents who love you and wanted you, and that everything you’ve been through had a purpose.”

“I won’t member it now? Tomorrow?” I ask. “I wanna tell Cora.”

“You won’t, dearheart.” She sighs. “But one day.”

“When” I inquire grumpily.

“When the time is right.”

 

Chapter 200

There are tears in my eyes as I come out of the memory, the heady drug still swirling through my senses. I forget that I’m not alone in the room, trying to wrap my brain around the conversation I just recalled. My mind feels as though it might splinter with the weight of so many astounding revelations. I met the Goddess, and though I’d been too young to understand the things she explained to me, to realize that I was the child in the story, I’m certainly old enough now. I have a family. I think dazedly, the Goddess’s own power runs through my veins.

When the heavy silence breaks, I remember I have an audience. “Holy sh!t.” Gabriel utters in amazement.

“Did that… was that… ” Roger stammers, looking around at the other men.

“I can’t believe it.” Henry concludes, looking solemn but reverent as he strokes my brow.

Was that – was that real, or a dream?” I ask nervously, turning wide eyes to my father in law. It felt real, but years of disappointed hopes have trained me never to trust such things.

“No Ella,” Leon answers stiffly, as if he’s suddenly not sure how to address me. “That was very real.”

I clench my eyes shut, and rivulets of salt water streak down my cheeks. They wanted me”I Murmur in awe. my parents wanted me.

“Of course they did. Henry clucked fondly, wiping a few of my tears away. How could they not?

My brother-in-law is watching us as if we’re mad, Um…is that all that stuck out to you because-“

Put a sock in it, Roger.” Gabriel cuts him off with a low growl.

“Sorry, it just seems like she’% burying the lead”

Roger answers sullenly, crossing his arms over his c.hest, “Mean we just found out secrets about the whole dammed universe and -“

And Ella just found out that she wasn’t willfully abandoned by her parents,” Leon cuts him of this time “Let her have this moment before we start digging into the rest.”

You all are being very calm about this” Roger observes grumpily. “But I’m the crazy, insensitive one,”

Henry tums to glare at his eldest son, “Why don’t you make yourself useful and call your brother.”

Glaring, Roger does as he’s told, and a minute later a tablet is pressed into my hand. Dominie’s handsome face fills the screen, and 1’m introduced to the joys of seeing my mate while in the clutches of the ether. “Hello trouble,” He greets me with a wide, though concerned smile, “How are you feeling?”

I met the Goddess.” I report dreamily, raking my gaze over the rugged planes of his cheekbones and jaw. They’re even sharper under the effects of the drug, and his emerald eyes even more striking. “

You’re so beautiful I want to l!ck your face.” Sinclair chuckles, the worry lines in his brow smoothing out. “Well right back at you.” He replies warmly, “what’s this about the Goddess?”

“Oh, she was prettier than you.” I admit reluctantly, recalling the enchanting woman with her starlight hair and cosmic eyes. But not nearly as cuddly… I mean her cuddles were nice but yours are so much better.” I stop for a moment, distracted by thoughts of being in my mate’s arms. It takes a moment for my thoughts to get back on track. “But you wolves have had it wrrooonngg. I sing, dragging out the word. “She’s not even the Goddess of the moon, but of all light – and she has a partner.

Though honestly he sounds like a bit of a downer.

Well, isn’t that fascinating?” Sinclair tells me, in the tone of one speaking to a drunk toddler. Then he clears his throat, “Dad?”

“Yeah, she’s still pretty high.” Henry mutters, and I emit an affronted scoff. “Here dearheart, listen to this while I explain to Dominic.” My phone is ready and waiting at my side, with the recording of Sinclair’s purrs cued up in case I needed to be calmed down during the session. He presses play, and the sound rumbles to life by my ear, sending ripples of cozy warmth through my body.

In the distance I can hear Henry recounting the entire tale to Sinclair, but I find myself dozing nearer and nearer to sleep, floating on the waves of the drug and my mate’s purrs. I hear the far- away sounds of their astounded discussion, about the God of darkness, the unknown history when wolves and humans openly lived together, and my role in this war. There are too many details to focus on all at once, and the conversation flits around erratically.I can only sigh and snuggle deeper into the sofa cushions.

«Can I have a blanket?” I ask after a while, my words soft and slurred. “And maybe a cupcake?

A warm, heavy weight settles over my shoulders, and I burrow into the coverlet, You can have as many cupcakes as you want when you wake up, angel.” Henry promises, even though I can hear Sinclair complaining in the background about such an unhealthy prospect.

“Stop being bossy.” I tell him, interrupted by a wide yawn. “Sugar comes from plants… that makes it salad.”

Sinclair laughs, and I realize they’ve brought the tablet back over to me. “Stop sassing me and go to sleep, little mate.”

You can’t make me… ” I mumble weakly, but I’m only met with purrs from both the recording and the video call now.

At some point I hear Leon protest. “What about the therapy?”

“Let her rest.” Sinclair’s deep voice instructs, “Tl go after her, and when she wakes she’ll come see

The next thing I know, I’m in the dream forest, and Sinclair is walking towards me through the trees. It’s the first time I’ve been able to find my way here on my own since I started digging into my past, and I run into my mate’s open arms. “I did it!

No nightmares!” I exclaim, Wrapping my arms and legs around him.

“I see!” He exclaims, h.ugging me close and dropping k!sses over my cheek, temple and hair.

I’m so glad, baby.” “Are you sleeping in the middle of the day?” I ask, nuzzling my nose against the bare skin of his c.hest, that special sp0t where his scent is the strongest.

I am.” He confirms, running his big hands over my body. “I figured it was worth making an exception today.”

You should do this every day.” I suggest eagerly, nibbling his shoulder and dipping my tongue into his clavicle. “In fact, if we both slept all the time, then we could just be together here the whole time until you come home!”

That might cause a few problems with the summit.” Sinclair remarks wryly, reclining on the bed and adjusting my legs so that I’m comfortably straddling him. You know, for someone that was so exhausted a second ago, you’re awfully hyper now.

«Because I’m excited!” I announce, sitting up. He reaches for my hands and I thread my slender fingers through his, playfully pushing against his palms and grinning widely. I don’t know how much of my euphoric mood is the drugs or the secrets I just learned, but I want nothing more than to be lighthearted

and silly right now. “I have a family… one who loved me. I’ve been dreaming about this since I was a pup.”

“I’m so happy for you, sweetheart.”I lean down to k!ss him, and Sinclair catches me tight, content to explore my mouth with his talented tongue and lavish affection on my body with his expert fingers.

Just before our l!ps connect, however, I sense him thrusting some unpleasant emotion away, as if putting it aside until later. I only let him indulge me for a moment before I pull back “What is it?”

Nothing.” He lies, “Just let me love on you for a while.” He catches my l!ps in another delicious k!ss, and my h!ps reflexively rock against his hardness, but I wriggle free of his intoxicating trap.

No.” I insist stubbornly. “Tell me.”

He grumbles, moving his mouth to his mark and nibbling the sensitive sp0t. “Don’t you want to enjoy this for a while? Come on, let’s leave reality for after the drugs wear off.”

“If you don’t tell me now I’m just going to build it up even worse in my mind.” I declare fiercely.

Sinclair sighs and drops his head back against the mattress. “Alright, I need to tell you something about your family.

I freeze, my instincts going on high alert. “Do you know who they are? My parents?” I ask, not knowing how such a thing would be possible based on the limited information the Goddess shared.

“Baby, the couple the Goddess described in your a powerful Alpha King from an ancient bl00dline, with a tender-hearted wife who couldn’t bear children… around the time you were born… there’s only one couple in the world who fits that description.” Sinclair explains gently.

My heart ceases beating completely, Who?”